Oh what a week. Since I apparently am too busy and just scatter brained to cry or sit and mope, I'm gonna write.
Work is not getting easier. If anything more and more is getting piled on. And more and more blame is always being pointed my direction. I'm only going to be able to handle so much more, before I can't handle it. I'm just taking one day at a time, but it's getting harder and harder.
So, Brad and I broke up. I guess it was inevitable. One, because he was dating me, he was bound to realize I'm not that great. And then two, we just didn't have time, because...ironically I'm working too much. :/
So on top of that, the first guy I fell heads over heels for finally admitted last week he had led me on and used me while he lived here. And on top of that, another guy who I'd fallen for, who has been around for the past few years is at a cross roads, and I'll be talking to him soon, and anticipate him to also admit the same as the first guy. Is there something about me that say, if you wanna have a pretend boyfriend or friend with benefits use me and lead me on and then just break my heart? I just wish they would honestly tell me, "I'm not into you". But they don't And it gets my hopes up and it goes on for years. So anyway, the culmination of all of this will hopefully end this week after talking about this with this guys whos been around for two years now. So I think this weekend will be a weekend of dealing with heartbreak, depression and feeling like I've been failing at my job.
It's ironic. It doesn't work out with guys who are into me, and it doesn't work out with the guys I really like. I'm not sure, but I think its a sign that I'm gonna be signle for the rest of my life. So, we'll see what this guy has to say this week, but the way he's been talking and our mutual friend has been talking he just wants to be friends...from a distance cause well...idk. I just feel inadaquet in everything in my life right now. :/
Anyway, I needed to vent. But I'm done. It probably makes no sense and I'm kinda just being a whiney baby, but its out of my system now.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
Time
It's been a while since I've written. So much has happened. I'm dating a great guy :) I'm really going after advancing myself at work. I'm trying to get back into music. I'm trying to focus more on others than me. Trying to be a grown up.
Have you ever had it really great, yet you just want more? Its what I'm feeling, and it's making me uneasy. I see my friends getting their lives together and growing up, but I seem to be stuck in this rut I can't break out of. I thought that if I changed somethings in my life, then it'd clear up, but it's getting worse.
Ironically I've felt more confident in myself, but at the same time I feel I'm digging my rut deeper to where I had a panic attack the other day. I realized that I could potentially never leave Flint or UM-Flint, and live and die here. I literally had to stop and breathe for a few minutes and support myself from realizing this.
I don't know if it's because I'm so comfortable here, or if I'm afraid of trying something new and failing. I'm not sure. I thought I'd be really making a difference in peoples lives by now and I feel like I'm just the side show that people practice with or use as a side item. :/
Now, don't get me wrong, I've been really happy lately, but I've also realized I gotta get my shit together.
I had a dream the other night. Well, idk if it was a dream or a nightmare. I have it whenever I'm panicking about my life or when there's something really ill feeling within me. It always the same exact dream, just the individuals change everything. It's the strangest thing. But in the end of the dream, everytime, I die trying to help others. It's a little unsettling and every time I have it, I can remember it vividly for the next week or so. So, I've decided to keep track of my dreams and see what I can figure out from them.
On a positive note, my premonitions that I have of future events in my life is still with me. Yeah, idk if some of you think I'm nuts, but I totally think that you can dream the future. Anyway, i had one a few weeks ago, and I just experienced it yesterday.
Let's see. How else can I prove to you I'm insane and should probably talk to someone...um, actually, I'm thinking about talking to someone professionally. I'm realizing I can't do this on my own so yeah...
Anyway, that's all for now. I just felt I had to write and get these random things said. :)
Have you ever had it really great, yet you just want more? Its what I'm feeling, and it's making me uneasy. I see my friends getting their lives together and growing up, but I seem to be stuck in this rut I can't break out of. I thought that if I changed somethings in my life, then it'd clear up, but it's getting worse.
Ironically I've felt more confident in myself, but at the same time I feel I'm digging my rut deeper to where I had a panic attack the other day. I realized that I could potentially never leave Flint or UM-Flint, and live and die here. I literally had to stop and breathe for a few minutes and support myself from realizing this.
I don't know if it's because I'm so comfortable here, or if I'm afraid of trying something new and failing. I'm not sure. I thought I'd be really making a difference in peoples lives by now and I feel like I'm just the side show that people practice with or use as a side item. :/
Now, don't get me wrong, I've been really happy lately, but I've also realized I gotta get my shit together.
I had a dream the other night. Well, idk if it was a dream or a nightmare. I have it whenever I'm panicking about my life or when there's something really ill feeling within me. It always the same exact dream, just the individuals change everything. It's the strangest thing. But in the end of the dream, everytime, I die trying to help others. It's a little unsettling and every time I have it, I can remember it vividly for the next week or so. So, I've decided to keep track of my dreams and see what I can figure out from them.
On a positive note, my premonitions that I have of future events in my life is still with me. Yeah, idk if some of you think I'm nuts, but I totally think that you can dream the future. Anyway, i had one a few weeks ago, and I just experienced it yesterday.
Let's see. How else can I prove to you I'm insane and should probably talk to someone...um, actually, I'm thinking about talking to someone professionally. I'm realizing I can't do this on my own so yeah...
Anyway, that's all for now. I just felt I had to write and get these random things said. :)
Monday, February 7, 2011
Wow...2011 Flying By
So, I haven't written in a while. But 2011 is FLYING by! Its already February! Its turning into a very defining year for me so far.
Confidence is stronger, it still comes and goes, but it's getting better. I have high hopes for my job this year, and my social life is becoming more balanced as well as my personal...so yey ! :)
I've become an alumni advisor for the Kappa Sigma Colony up at Northwood University, and am having fun doing that.
Talking to someone from FL. Not sure how that's gonna turn out, but it seems to have promise...in spite of the long distance.
My brother is surviving the Marines. I don't think he's gonna make a career out of it, but he'll put in his time, and I'm proud of him.
I'm trying to become fiscally more responsible...it's becoming a challenge. lol. But, hopefully I'll succeed. Though I did already kinda lose my debit card for the year lol.
Um I've just been really content lately. Not happy but not depressed either. Just kinda in a coasting contented mood. I think its a mood to survive right now. Which I think is proving good, because I'm in a challenge and stand my ground mind frame right now, which I think is a good place to be right now.
Anyway, I've also discovered that I play hard to get....even though I don't realize it. :( So I'm trying to work on that more. It never really came apparent to me until lately, so I kinda feel bad about the previous relationships where I didn't have this realization.
Anywho, that's pretty much it, i thought I'd just write and update everyone. I'll write again soon, because there's so much thought provokingness (sp? lol) going on in my little Asian head.
Laters
Panda Love;
Brian
Confidence is stronger, it still comes and goes, but it's getting better. I have high hopes for my job this year, and my social life is becoming more balanced as well as my personal...so yey ! :)
I've become an alumni advisor for the Kappa Sigma Colony up at Northwood University, and am having fun doing that.
Talking to someone from FL. Not sure how that's gonna turn out, but it seems to have promise...in spite of the long distance.
My brother is surviving the Marines. I don't think he's gonna make a career out of it, but he'll put in his time, and I'm proud of him.
I'm trying to become fiscally more responsible...it's becoming a challenge. lol. But, hopefully I'll succeed. Though I did already kinda lose my debit card for the year lol.
Um I've just been really content lately. Not happy but not depressed either. Just kinda in a coasting contented mood. I think its a mood to survive right now. Which I think is proving good, because I'm in a challenge and stand my ground mind frame right now, which I think is a good place to be right now.
Anyway, I've also discovered that I play hard to get....even though I don't realize it. :( So I'm trying to work on that more. It never really came apparent to me until lately, so I kinda feel bad about the previous relationships where I didn't have this realization.
Anywho, that's pretty much it, i thought I'd just write and update everyone. I'll write again soon, because there's so much thought provokingness (sp? lol) going on in my little Asian head.
Laters
Panda Love;
Brian
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Man In The Mirror
I've always loved this song, but not until now has it had such a personal meaning to me. I think this is my 2011 life mantra. Focus on me, and how to better myself so that I may better the world. :) Things will work out. Remember, God laughs when man plans. :) So I'm starting with the man in the mirror :)
I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .
As I, Turn Up The Collar On My
Favourite Winter Coat
This Wind Is Blowin' My Mind
I See The Kids In The Street,
With Not Enough To Eat
Who Am I, To Be Blind?
Pretending Not To See
Their Needs
A Summer's Disregard,
A Broken Bottle Top
And A One Man's Soul
They Follow Each Other On
The Wind Ya' Know
'Cause They Got Nowhere
To Go
That's Why I Want You To
Know
I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change)
(Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah)
I've Been A Victim Of A Selfish
Kind Of Love
It's Time That I Realize
That There Are Some With No
Home, Not A Nickel To Loan
Could It Be Really Me,
Pretending That They're Not
Alone?
A Willow Deeply Scarred,
Somebody's Broken Heart
And A Washed-Out Dream
(Washed-Out Dream)
They Follow The Pattern Of
The Wind, Ya' See
Cause They Got No Place
To Be
That's Why I'm Starting With
Me
(Starting With Me!)
I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
(Ooh!)
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Ooh!)
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change)
I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
(Ooh!)
I'm Asking Him To Change His
Ways
(Change His Ways-Ooh!)
And No Message Could've
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make That . . .
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make That . . .)
Change!
I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror,
(Man In The Mirror-Oh
Yeah!)
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Better Change!)
No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make The Change)
(You Gotta Get It Right, While
You Got The Time)
('Cause When You Close Your
Heart)
You Can't Close Your . . .Your
Mind!
(Then You Close Your . . .
Mind!)
That Man, That Man, That
Man, That Man
With That Man In The Mirror
(Man In The Mirror, Oh Yeah!)
That Man, That Man, That Man
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Better Change!)
You Know . . .That Man
No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change)
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah
(Oh Yeah!)
Gonna Feel Real Good Now!
Yeah Yeah! Yeah Yeah!
Yeah Yeah!
Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah
(Ooooh . . .)
Oh No, No No . . .
I'm Gonna Make A Change
It's Gonna Feel Real Good!
Come On!
(Change . . .)
Just Lift Yourself
You Know
You've Got To Stop It.
Yourself!
(Yeah!-Make That Change!)
I've Got To Make That Change,
Today!
Hoo!
(Man In The Mirror)
You Got To
You Got To Not Let Yourself . . .
Brother . . .
Hoo!
(Yeah!-Make That Change!)
You Know-I've Got To Get
That Man, That Man . . .
(Man In The Mirror)
You've Got To
You've Got To Move! Come
On! Come On!
You Got To . . .
Stand Up! Stand Up!
Stand Up!
(Yeah-Make That Change)
Stand Up And Lift
Yourself, Now!
(Man In The Mirror)
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Aaow!
(Yeah-Make That Change)
Gonna Make That Change . . .
Come On!
(Man In The Mirror)
You Know It!
You Know It!
You Know It!
You Know . . .
(Change . . .)
Make That Change.
I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .
As I, Turn Up The Collar On My
Favourite Winter Coat
This Wind Is Blowin' My Mind
I See The Kids In The Street,
With Not Enough To Eat
Who Am I, To Be Blind?
Pretending Not To See
Their Needs
A Summer's Disregard,
A Broken Bottle Top
And A One Man's Soul
They Follow Each Other On
The Wind Ya' Know
'Cause They Got Nowhere
To Go
That's Why I Want You To
Know
I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change)
(Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah)
I've Been A Victim Of A Selfish
Kind Of Love
It's Time That I Realize
That There Are Some With No
Home, Not A Nickel To Loan
Could It Be Really Me,
Pretending That They're Not
Alone?
A Willow Deeply Scarred,
Somebody's Broken Heart
And A Washed-Out Dream
(Washed-Out Dream)
They Follow The Pattern Of
The Wind, Ya' See
Cause They Got No Place
To Be
That's Why I'm Starting With
Me
(Starting With Me!)
I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
(Ooh!)
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Ooh!)
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change)
I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
(Ooh!)
I'm Asking Him To Change His
Ways
(Change His Ways-Ooh!)
And No Message Could've
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make That . . .
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make That . . .)
Change!
I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror,
(Man In The Mirror-Oh
Yeah!)
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Better Change!)
No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make The Change)
(You Gotta Get It Right, While
You Got The Time)
('Cause When You Close Your
Heart)
You Can't Close Your . . .Your
Mind!
(Then You Close Your . . .
Mind!)
That Man, That Man, That
Man, That Man
With That Man In The Mirror
(Man In The Mirror, Oh Yeah!)
That Man, That Man, That Man
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Better Change!)
You Know . . .That Man
No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change)
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah
(Oh Yeah!)
Gonna Feel Real Good Now!
Yeah Yeah! Yeah Yeah!
Yeah Yeah!
Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah
(Ooooh . . .)
Oh No, No No . . .
I'm Gonna Make A Change
It's Gonna Feel Real Good!
Come On!
(Change . . .)
Just Lift Yourself
You Know
You've Got To Stop It.
Yourself!
(Yeah!-Make That Change!)
I've Got To Make That Change,
Today!
Hoo!
(Man In The Mirror)
You Got To
You Got To Not Let Yourself . . .
Brother . . .
Hoo!
(Yeah!-Make That Change!)
You Know-I've Got To Get
That Man, That Man . . .
(Man In The Mirror)
You've Got To
You've Got To Move! Come
On! Come On!
You Got To . . .
Stand Up! Stand Up!
Stand Up!
(Yeah-Make That Change)
Stand Up And Lift
Yourself, Now!
(Man In The Mirror)
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Aaow!
(Yeah-Make That Change)
Gonna Make That Change . . .
Come On!
(Man In The Mirror)
You Know It!
You Know It!
You Know It!
You Know . . .
(Change . . .)
Make That Change.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Jealousy
So last night I kinda just lost my mind.
I got jealous that some friends hooked up together. I got sad that I finally got a no from someone special that I know there's something, but I'm just such a great friend they can't risk anything more. I got jealous that I heard and saw so many guys treating each other horribly, however they still stay together.
I guess, when will it be my chance? I know that patience is not always my strongest point. lol.
I was talking to this guy a couple weeks ago. He was nice and we had a lot in common but I wasn't attracted to him. Does that make me shallow? Cause he ripped into me and said that I was shallow and that I should just give him a chance, and that its my loss. I was quite perturbed when he said this to me. I don't think that its shallow that I was not attracted to him physically. I think its just part of my "recipe" for the guy that I want and one day hope to find.
"Recipe" is from Robyn Ochs, and amazing speaker on LGBT and Sexuality issues. Ones recipe can consist of physical, emotional, intellectual, etc aspects of a person and you create your own recipe of what you look for. It may change over time, or may remain consistent. It unique and different to each person.
I think this year another resolution I want to work on is my recipe. Really look at what I want. Who I want and what will fulfill my recipe. I'm kinda excited actually about it. I feel there might be forward progression in my life then if I can figure out my recipe.
I applied for a job down at Wayne State University. I'm really hoping that I'm considered. Over break I finally realized that I don't have a future in my current position. My advice to anyone going into Student Services...NEVER work at your alma mater immediately following graduation.
Anyway, I have to go play Farmville and Cityville before my crops die. :)
Thats all for today
:)
Panda Love
Brian
I got jealous that some friends hooked up together. I got sad that I finally got a no from someone special that I know there's something, but I'm just such a great friend they can't risk anything more. I got jealous that I heard and saw so many guys treating each other horribly, however they still stay together.
I guess, when will it be my chance? I know that patience is not always my strongest point. lol.
I was talking to this guy a couple weeks ago. He was nice and we had a lot in common but I wasn't attracted to him. Does that make me shallow? Cause he ripped into me and said that I was shallow and that I should just give him a chance, and that its my loss. I was quite perturbed when he said this to me. I don't think that its shallow that I was not attracted to him physically. I think its just part of my "recipe" for the guy that I want and one day hope to find.
"Recipe" is from Robyn Ochs, and amazing speaker on LGBT and Sexuality issues. Ones recipe can consist of physical, emotional, intellectual, etc aspects of a person and you create your own recipe of what you look for. It may change over time, or may remain consistent. It unique and different to each person.
I think this year another resolution I want to work on is my recipe. Really look at what I want. Who I want and what will fulfill my recipe. I'm kinda excited actually about it. I feel there might be forward progression in my life then if I can figure out my recipe.
I applied for a job down at Wayne State University. I'm really hoping that I'm considered. Over break I finally realized that I don't have a future in my current position. My advice to anyone going into Student Services...NEVER work at your alma mater immediately following graduation.
Anyway, I have to go play Farmville and Cityville before my crops die. :)
Thats all for today
:)
Panda Love
Brian
Monday, January 3, 2011
2011
Ah 2011!
This will be my year :)
So my resolutions:
Eat more healthy
Exercise (even if its just walking more)
Be honest to myself and others
Be more confident and have self confidence
Focus on what I can change, accept what I can't, and understand the difference between the two
Kick ass at my job no matter what goes down
Don't look for someone, let them come to me
Be a better friend
Let's see how well I do all of these. :) LOL
So far 2011's been nice. Relaxed, calm and more confident. I know I have the smarts, understanding, dedication and commitment for a great year. I can't wait!! :)
This will be my year :)
So my resolutions:
Eat more healthy
Exercise (even if its just walking more)
Be honest to myself and others
Be more confident and have self confidence
Focus on what I can change, accept what I can't, and understand the difference between the two
Kick ass at my job no matter what goes down
Don't look for someone, let them come to me
Be a better friend
Let's see how well I do all of these. :) LOL
So far 2011's been nice. Relaxed, calm and more confident. I know I have the smarts, understanding, dedication and commitment for a great year. I can't wait!! :)
Friday, December 31, 2010
2010
This will probably be the only blog I will write where I commend myself and be self centered. LOL
As much as this year has been good, bad, ugly, interesting, educational, spiritual, physical, and more, its been a good year.
I have been fortunate enough to learn more about myself, who I am, and where I am going in my life. I've become more understanding and honest and just becoming more me.
I've had some great times, getting my first boyfriend, seeing New Orleans, and amazing events and programs at work. I got to see my brother become a Marine and I'm SO proud of him!
I've also been able to help people this year. Help them more and be there for people more. I've been honored to become someone who is honest, trustworthy and someone for people to talk to. Its a gift that I'm learning more and more is a blessing and not a curse.
I'm gonna get to ring in the new year with some of my best friends in the world, and I can't wait! I've been worried about not having someone to kiss at midnight or just to be with, but I'm learning that I have myself and my friends, and that is all enough.
I can't wait for 2011. Tomorrow I'll post my 2011 Resolutions. :) Yey!
Anyway, enough for today, I'll post tomorrow!
Panda Love
Brian
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)